The UN Finally Gets Tough!

First, we have been treated to the rantings of Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad this week. Then came the untimely discovery of a new and hidden nuclear facility hidden underground in the bowels of the Iranian country side. At last, the evil that has been planned by the Iranian leadership has been revealed for all the world to see!

The United Nations finally has the proof necessary to take definitive action. On most matters, even the clearest violations of human rights, genocide and international aggression seem to get lost in the diplomatic fog that seems to envelop the world’s foremost center of savoir faire. But this time, bare naked for the universe to see, we have unambiguous proof that Iran is up to no good.

Since there is no doubt about this issue and since we know that the wheels of diplomacy turn slowly, I have taken the liberty of proposing a resolution that the UN might issue the unruly Iranian nation:

Be it resolved, this 26th day of the month of September, in the year of the Christian Lord 2009, that we, the members of the United Nations Security Council do hereby condemn the actions of the nation-state of Iran. (Not that we couldn’t use another calendar, like the Babylonian, or the Chinese calendar, but for expediency we used the Christian calendar, even though we do not endorse any particular religion. Also, by not endorsing any particular religion, we do not wish to offend Muslims or any of their affiliates, who we would like to commend and applaud, but cannot officially endorse.)

We the Council have been made aware that the nation of Iran has an additional fissile materials plant. We are also aware of the claim by Iran that said fissile material is being produced for the peaceful purpose of power generation. Even though it is possible that you forgot to mention the existence of the plant to the International Atomic Energy Agency, we are very concerned that something untoward may be happening.

We fear that the existence of this additional plant may greatly increase the likelihood of the most severe threat known to humankind, global warming. We believe that the construction equipment used to dig such a subterranean site might be emitting large amounts of carbon dioxide into the environment. It is also possible that the construction of such a plant might interfere with the ecosystem surrounding the area. It has been rumored that the construction of your plant might endanger a relative of the “Delta Smelt” in California’s San Joaquin Valley. Like the US Government, one of our members, it is recommended that you shut down any and all industries associated with the construction and operation of your plant, because there is a possibility that the reproductive cycle of the “Persian Smelt” might be interrupted. Though there is no proof at this time, we suggest a 10 year study be commissioned by the UN to determine the existence, life-cycle and threat level of human activity on this precious world resource.

Be it resolved that this Council condemns the reckless acts of the leadership of Iran. In the same way that we warned your neighbor, Saddam Hussein of Iraq, we warn you. (Even though we warned him 18 times by issuing similar tough resolutions, we still think that George Bush rushed to war.) The consequences of ignoring this warning could be dire. The next warning is probably going to be in mostly capital letters and maybe even colored ink!